Sunday, November 16, 2014

GUYS. Care enough to change. PERIOD.

I've had something on my mind, and I have been silent from blogging for a long time...but this is a topic that just keeps coming to my attention time and time again, and I feel like it's an issue that needs to be addressed.
As women we are CONSTANTLY told how our actions influence men, and I am not arguing that fact one bit. The things we wear, the way we carry ourselves, our actions and behaviors can be extremely influential, and we are reminded of this on a regular basis so that we can be sensitive to the struggles guys are going through (keeping pure thoughts, pornography, etc.)
That being said....
There is something that guys do that is NOT addressed and it is very wrong, and a rising problem that contributes to a female mentality that is just as detrimental, Low self esteem and Negative body image.  Let me give you all a glimpse into several experiences I've had during my time at college that are not only heart breaking to those girls effected, but offensive to me and other girls who aren't even involved in these situations, yet are indirectly effected by the comments made.
Situation 1) Somewhere around my 3rd semester of college I was sitting with some guys in the school cafeteria. Of course the topic of dating surfaced and I started inquiring as to my friend's dating lives. As the conversation evolved a comment was made by one of the guys, "you know, that girl is cute now, but she definitely has fat potential." FAT POTENTIAL?! As a 19 year old girl, I didn't realize at the time the influence this statement would have on me for the rest of my life. I started wondering to myself "do i have fat potential? what do guys say about me behind my back? Is this the reason I haven't been on a date lately? Is that the reason these guys don't like me?" My focus on my body became a little bit more obsessive.
Situation 2) I have a beautiful friend. Seriously, she's a catch. She works out, she eats a gluten free diet, and she is super disciplined and fit. This girl served a mission, she is accomplished in her schooling, she is a natural leader, she's amazing. So my dear friend starts dating a guy after being good friends for a while. The word love is thrown into the equation by both parties, and what seems to be a serious relationship is forming. Fastforward a few months. This guy decides to break things off with said friend, out of the blue. When seeking closure and understanding of what triggered this breakup, boy expresses that one of his reasons for breaking things off is concern for the future; basically stating that it's in her genes to get heavy, and that he's afraid that she might gain weight and get fat and become unattractive to him.
Situation 3) I have another beautiful friend. Another great catch, adorable girl, very cute figure, who is an amazing student and super kind and giving. This girl was in her ward one Sunday and a cute guy sat down and started talking to her, being nice and naturally my friend thought, "oh he's cute," a slight interest occurred. Later through another guy, word got back to this girl that this same guy who was so friendly minutes before, told another friend that he would never ask her out because he thinks she's very unattractive. (this example is not to say that this guy HAD to be attracted to my friend, but is more meant to prove that saying things about people's looks behind their backs is hurtful and makes its way back to them.)

Okay now that I've explained these 3 situations...I'm gonna really lay all my thoughts on the table...
Guys FREAKING STOP IT.
Do you realize what you are doing? Do you realize how many girls these statements and words effect? Do you realize the long term ramifications of your shallow and ignorant statements?
Imagine your future daughter, or your niece, some little girl that you ADORE. Imagine holding that precious little girl in your arms, and then imagine her growing up and some guy saying one of these hurtful shallow things about her. Imagine someone telling her she's unattractive and her going home crying. Imagine her being dumped because she could "one day become fat."
When you sit and tear apart the imperfections of another girl, not only does that destroy her feelings about herself and her self worth, it plants those ideas into the minds of all girls who hear you. IT IS A GROWING ISSUE. Girls start to look at themselves wondering if people are saying the same things about them. They think, "If that girl has fat potential/big hips/thin hair/too much hair on her arms/big hands etc., imagine what they think about ME." It puts that imperfection on every girl who isn't perfect.
It is the work of Satan to make us forget our divine potential. To take away our virtues, to forget our divine worth, and to make us an object. WHEN YOU SAY THESE THINGS YOU ARE OBJECTIFYING A WOMEN AND YOU ARE MAKING HER BELIEVE THAT HER WORTH LIES IN HER APPEARANCE RATHER THAN HER CHARACTER and THAT IS NOT TRUE.

Guys, do you realize that there are CUTE, AMAZING girls who have never been on a date? Do you realize that they ask themselves everyday "why am i not dating?" "what's wrong with me?"Will I ever get married?" "I don't look like the girl he just said was 'hott' I guess i am not hott." "Am I too heavy?" "Is it my nose?" "Are my boobs too small?"

Do you realize when you tell a girl you don't want her because she might get fat she asks herself, "if he thinks this, does everyone think this? Will anyone EVER want me?"

 There's NOTHING wrong with them...but you have found plenty of reason to point out why they are not "perfectly attractive." Or why they won't remain attractive. Do you really think you're free of the plagues of balding? Of acne? Of Back hair? Of gaining weight? I can guarantee you will not look like you do now, forever. We're going to have to deal with your imperfections, so what makes it any different for you?

This is a plea to everyone. Guys, yes, but also women,moms, leaders, humans in general. We need to be more Christ-like. We need to be more kind. We need to see humans as more than a physical body. That is so not the most important thing, and yet we are falling trap to making it our main priority. It is wrong to classify someone because of their attractiveness. You don't have to be attracted to everyone, but you DO need to be kind, and you DO need to be aware that physical flaws are inevitable, and you're setting yourself up for a long hard life of plastic surgery and eating disorders if you're constantly expecting perfection from your significant other. So get over yourselves and stop thinking there's someone more perfect or better. Your missing out on some pretty amazing women.



3 comments:

  1. I acknowledge the harm that comments can cause and the need for kindness and less focus on body image.

    That being said, situation 3 seems ridiculous to me. Can a guy not be friendly to a girl unless he is willing to date her? Does a guy have to date a girl simply because the girl has good character? Does physical attraction hold any weight at all? (No pun intended).

    Situation 2. I don't think it is smart or tactful for a guy to tell a girl she has fat potential, but if a guy wants to break it off for that reason he has every right to. Just like a girl has every right to break it off with a man because he is too skinny, or harry or prone to baldness. You or I may not think those are good reasons, but a relationship is an "at will" agreement and can be terminated by either party at any time for any reason. There seems to be a theme in your blog that we are obligated to date people just because they have good character.

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  2. Sh88, I realize that it may come across as though I am not aware of the need for physical attraction in a relationship. Let me be clear...it is completely necessary to be physically attracted to someone, and I recognize that we are not always attracted to every human. I have dated my fare share of guys that I just can not make myself physically attracted to despite their wonderful character. That being said, I have 2 thoughts. First...how we handle a situation, the things we say and how we say them tell a lot about us. I have never and would never tell a guy that the reason I'm no longer going to date him is because he has back hair or a big nose or he is "ugly" because I realize that some things are just out of his control, and just because I am not attracted to him doesn't mean that he won't be attractive and wonderful to someone else. Who am I to label him with his imperfections. I'd simply tell him that I just don't feel a chemistry, or something that shows respect and regard for his feelings. Secondly, if I were dating someone for a time, though they were attractive, and broke things off one day out of the blue because there was a self perceived possibility of them becoming fat...that's messed up on so many levels. Here I've told this person they're attractive (because to get to that level of commitment with someone you have to have been attracted to them at some point) and then to allow something so shallow to end things is messed up. We all run the risk of losing our physical beauty either by neglect or simply unplanned issues that arise. If someone is looking for a perfect human, I believe they have a deep rooted issue, and it's detrimental to a lot of people.
    Attraction is NECESSARY, but that does not allow people to be inconsiderate, shallow, and abusive in their behavior. It also is wrong if it has become such a priority that someone you "love" is no longer lovable because of a possibility that every human has (gaining weight).

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  3. Brittany, Nice Blog. I can see now why you and Karly are friends :-). We have 5 boys. It is a challenge to teach children to look at others through corrective lenses. The media, in all its forms blurs our dating and relationship vision . Even our own religion blurs our perceptions (be perfect implies expect perfection) . I believe that your generation will have an even greater challenge with this than my generation. There is no doubt we can all learn to be more kind. I will quote my old boss and friend, Regan Howell, from a conversation we had 20 years ago as I mentioned to him I never heard him say anything critical about anyone. He said : "Well, I try everyday to never say anything critical about anyone. It is a personal goal". I have always remembered that. If we are smart in conversation, we can think of a compliment and not a critical comment when we speak of others. I wish I could say I were good at this, but perhaps we can follow the admonition of Thumper in Bambi, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Another blogger states: "We are a society filled of critics, judges, complainers and negative thinkers who use their words to express all that is wrong with everyone and everything in this world. It starts with the negatively skewed news reporting we are programed by since birth and ends with the dissatisfactory personal lives of our friends and family. We are literally programed to find something unkind to say, see, hear or feel." Once again, nice post. Good luck teaching your children the balance of attraction and the identification of the critical traits necessary for a successful relationship, because those traits you speak of don't make the news. these qualities usually cannot be identified & confirmed in a 6 month meeting, dating, engagement, & marriage time frame. We, LDS people have some SPECIAL challenges!!!!

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